


Out for the Count

by ardett



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Clubbing, Drinking, F/M, Guilt, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Quarantine, Unus Annus, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26615869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Something happened to Ethan while he was out clubbing. Mark finds out in the worst way.
Relationships: Amy Nelson/Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson/Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 35
Kudos: 556





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What’s that? Me using cliched language? Look classes have started now and I’m not living that quarantine lifestyle anymore, ya gotta cut me some slack please thank u
> 
> also this literally has the same description as another fic I wrote I know okay let me live
> 
> one video reference in this which you can find [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsR2epjOGn8&t=585s) and if the link doesn't work, you know what happened

51:00:00:00

In retrospect, it makes sense that Mark didn’t notice the shift in Ethan’s personality. They were talking so little when the pandemic hit California. When they called, Ethan was different but Mark had just attributed it to a technology disconnect. Of course it wouldn’t be the same as their banter in person. It wasn’t as if it was a huge difference anyway. When he was on camera, Ethan put on a persona. Mark thought that maybe the change in Ethan was just an extension of that, whether they were recording or it was just the computer’s webcam.

There were two things Mark should have put together. Two things that he blames himself for not noticing.

The first happened just days before the lockdown. 

(Even now Mark struggles to connect the past to the present they live in now. What their lives were seems like a distant dream. Everything had changed so quickly.)

Ethan had gone clubbing, which was already uncommon for him. He was never one much for the club scene. He hadn’t even told Mark he was going. Mark had only found out through Amy who had been told by Kathryn after the fact.

Mark woke up in the morning with three missed calls from Ethan. The first was the only one with a voicemail. The message was almost impossible to make out past the pounding bass and synth of the club but he heard Ethan breathing hard and maybe laughing, words broken up into pieces as he said, _“Mark, something— Mark, if you’re awake, please— I— He— I have to go,”_ and then the click of Ethan hanging up.

Mark was genuinely planning on calling him back when he saw the messages in the morning but that’s when Kathryn had let them know that Ethan had been out all night and asked them to please not wake him up just this once. At the time, Mark agreed. What was another late Unus Annus video in the grand scheme of things?

Then people started getting sick and California made the stay at home order and things like Ethan’s night on the town slipped from Mark’s mind.

The second thing happens a long time after that. So long Mark doesn’t bother to connect the dots.

They’ve been in quarantine for months _(months, god, how did it come to this)_ , when Mark calls up Ethan for another recording session.

“Okay, so here’s the plan. Amy’s idea,” he gives a nod to Amy as she sets up for the shot. “It’s gonna be the newly weds game but we’re going to have the thing that the other person can’t have.”

“W-what?” Ethan gives a short laugh. Mark sees him fiddling with his phone as he tries to prop it up for their video call.

“Right, so if I get something wrong, I’ll have peanut butter and if you get something wrong, you drink.” Mark can’t see Ethan’s face in the moment he says those words, the camera half blocked by Ethan’s hands, but he sees Ethan kind of… freeze and then spur back into motion.

As he pulls back, finally done adjusting, there’s something worrying in his eyes. Mark can’t quite place it.

“Um, okay. What if… what if we didn’t do that though?” Ethan asks, fidgeting. Mark sees him run his fingers through his hair.

“Why not? This was Amy’s idea!” Mark defends because he knows it could be fun, more fun than looking up another random thing on the internet. “Did you have a better idea? No, I didn’t think so,” he finishes before Ethan can get a word in edgewise.

“N-no.” Ethan looks down. “I’m just… I’m not dri…” The rest is too quiet for Mark to hear.

“What? Speak up, I can’t hear you.”

Ethan’s eyes flick up to the screen and his voice comes out only a few decibels louder but luckily it’s enough for Mark to hear. “I’m just kind of not drinking right now.”

Mark squints at him. “Okay, I know that’s not true. Every time I get a notification from your streams, it’s drinking with the boys or whatever. I mean, not that I watch them,” he tries to joke. Ethan doesn’t take the bait.

The way Ethan’s holding himself is both defensive and guilty. His shoulders are hunched and his hand is clenched over the bone of his ankle. “Yeah, but… but I don’t initiate— I don’t ask for us to drink. They ask me.”

“Oh, so you’ll drink when they ask you but not when I do? What, you like them better than me?” Mark grins but it falters when Ethan doesn’t reciprocate it at all.

Ethan opens his mouth, then hesitates, seeming to think twice. But eventually he whispers like he’s confessing in church, “It’s not… It’s just water.”

“What?” Mark blinks. He sees Amy pause out of the corner of his eye, listening in on them.

Ethan pulls his knees up to his chest and repeats, “It was just water. I filled the containers with water before we started and I— I said I was drinking.”

“Why though?” Mark questions after a moment of silence. While he’s never been with a wasted Ethan, he’s always known him to appreciate a drink every once in a while. “You have kidney problems now?”

“Well, no…” Ethan’s fingertips are white. Something about it makes Mark’s stomach turn. “It’s… It’s a long story.” Which is just Ethan’s way of saying he doesn’t want to talk about it, Mark’s sure, but it’s also getting harder to get a read on him.

“Okay, so… what? You want to do the same thing? Fill it with water?” Ethan’s brow furrows and Mark backtracks, “Or we can do something else, if you really don’t want to. I mean, we’ll have to think of something but we can manage. We have a couple other videos in the queue.”

Ethan suddenly looks directly into the camera. Goosebumps prickle on Mark’s skin. “You never called me back,” Ethan says.

Mark just stares at him. He searches for when he missed a call from Ethan but comes up blank. (Because of course he does, it was months and months ago at this point and everything before the pandemic seems like another reality but he should have remembered and fuck, he should have called.)

Ethan breaks eye contact when Mark doesn’t respond. “Nevermind, actually. It’s not a big deal. I have some white claws around.”

He leaves the frame. While he’s gone, Mark and Amy share a look. Amy shrugs and Mark just doesn’t know what to make of the interaction. The opportunity to bring it up again passes as they start filming. Ethan’s camera persona comes out and Mark forgets why he was worried in the first place.

-

Mark doesn’t put the two things together until he finds Ethan having a panic attack in the bathroom.

-

It’s the first time they’ve been together since quarantine.

Ethan hasn’t been over long. They haven't even started filming yet and being together after so long apart still feels radical and odd. But when Mark tries to go in for a hug, Ethan shies away from him. 

Mark tries to shove down his surprise. He would have thought that Ethan would jump at the opportunity for physical contact but maybe Ethan is still trying to be extra cautious even after their negative tests. 

“Sorry, I’m just gonna— bathroom,” Ethan blurts out before rushing inside.

“Okay,” Mark says but it’s just empty air. Ethan’s already gone. He looks over to Amy, frowning. “I guess we’ll… start setting up?”

“Sure,” Amy agrees.

It only takes them about 5 minutes to get everything prepped. Another 5 for Mark to start getting antsy.

“What is taking him so long?” Mark mutters. Amy shakes her head, concern wrinkling her features. Mark sighs after another minute. “I’m gonna go check on him.”

Mark walks inside and knocks on the bathroom door. “Ethan? You good, man?” He puts his ear closer to the door. He hears short and shuddering breaths, a distant whimper. “Ethan?” Mark asks again, more worried this time.

He tries the handle. It doesn’t open. A gasp comes from the other side. It sounds like the shower door is being moved.

Fear seeps into Mark. What if Ethan’s having an allergic reaction? What if it’s something worse? What if he needs him? Something’s wrong, he can feel it in his gut.

Mark pounds on the door, rattling the lock. “Ethan? Can you open the door?” No answer. “Fuck, fuck,” Mark mutters.

He runs into the kitchen, rustling in the drawers for the key to the bathroom. He almost cuts his hand on a knife but he manages to find it. It takes him a few tries to fit it into the lock. His heart is pounding frantically in his chest. He feels like his hands should be shaking even though they’re not but fuck, they keep slipping, he has to get to Ethan—

The door opens. Mark barges inside.

He doesn’t see Ethan at first but then he hears a muffled sob come from in the shower. Behind the opaque glass, he sees Ethan hunched on the floor, knees pulled up to protect himself. His hand is over his mouth, like he knew Mark heard him. He stares at Mark like he’s afraid of him.

“Ethan?” Mark keeps his voice as low as possible. He cautiously slides the shower door open.

“Please, please, don’t—” Ethan pleads, crying. Mark catches only a glimpse of his face wet with tears before he ducks behind his knees. He doesn’t know what Ethan is asking him for.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Mark tries to console. He puts a hand on Ethan’s shoulder and Ethan _loses it._

“No!” Ethan screams. He scrambles away from Mark, banging his head on part of the shower and Mark knows it must hurt. “Get— Get away from me!” Ethan’s sobbing and stumbling and Mark doesn’t know what to do. “I— I told you I didn’t want— please— please don’t—”

Ethan fumbles with the door but manages to slip out before Mark can stop him.

“Ethan, wait—”

Ethan doesn’t wait. Ethan runs up the stairs. Mark doesn’t know if he should follow him, not when Ethan is clearly afraid.

His nails dig into his palms as he stands at the bottom of the stairs. Uncertainty grips him. He has to make a choice eventually. Mark starts to turn away, intending to go to Amy, when his phone rings.

Mark pulls it out of his pocket and the words on his screen don’t make sense for a second. 

Ethan is calling him.

Mark picks it up. “Hello?”

“Mark?” And suddenly Mark realizes that Ethan was never laughing on that very first call. He was sobbing.

“I’m here. I’m here, Ethan. Are you okay?” Mark grips his phone, looking up the empty stairs.

“I’m sorry.” Ethan’s words distort through the speaker but Mark can still hear the fear and pain in his voice. “I’m sorry, Mark.”

“It’s okay. Why are you sorry?” Mark murmurs.

“I just… I can’t explain now. Can you— I know I’m asking a lot but can you p-please come and get me? Please?” Ethan’s voice drops off at the end. Like he’s expecting Mark to refuse.

“Of course. Just give me a second, okay? I’m on my way.”

Mark walks upstairs, trying to keep his steps quiet enough to be non threatening but loud enough to let Ethan know he’s there. Eventually he finds the other boy huddled under his recording desk. Mark’s heart aches as he sees him curled into a small ball, shaking.

Mark leans down. Ethan looks up at him.

“M-Mark?” Ethan asks, voice trembling. Then he throws himself into Mark’s arms, clutching him tight and sobbing into his neck.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Mark murmurs, rubbing Ethan’s back. He feels sick with confusion. Why is Ethan’s reaction so different now?

“You’re— you’re here. You came this time,” Ethan cries. His tears are dripping into the collar of Mark’s shirt. “He was here, Mark. He— He was—”

“It’s just us,” Mark whispers. He feels Ethan trembling against him and it hurts like an open wound to see his friend like this.

“I thought— I thought you wouldn’t come.” Ethan is still having trouble catching his breath. It’s like he doesn’t hear any of Mark’s useless reassurances. “You weren’t there last time and I—” Ethan gasps like he’s coming up for air. “I called you but you didn’t come.” And the realization bursts in Mark, the shrapnel of it digging into all his organs. This is about the time Ethan went clubbing months ago, when he called Mark and Mark never answered. Something happened that night, something that’s still following Ethan even here, even now.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back.” Mark holds Ethan a little tighter. “I’m here. I’m here for you.”

Ethan talks over him, watery words running into each other. “I know— I know I was drunk and I was flirting with him and— and I couldn’t get myself home so it was my fault. But I— I didn’t—” Ethan sniffles, a miserable and pathetic sound that Mark never wants to hear again. “I guess it doesn’t matter. It was my f-fault. I put myself in that situation. That’s— that’s why you never called me back, right?”

“What? Ethan, no—”

“You don’t have to lie,” Ethan mumbles into Mark’s shirt. “But please,” His hands clench at the back of Mark’s shirt. “Please, I’m not drunk this time, don’t let him— I don’t want it. I swear. And I saw him and I— I can’t, please Mark—” Ethan dissolves in sobs again, hiding his face in Mark’s shoulder. 

Mark feels Ethan’s breathing start to speed up again with an impending panic attack and he desperately tries to assure Ethan, “It’s okay. I won’t let him hurt you, okay? I’m here. I’ll protect you.” They’re meaningless promises without Mark knowing what Ethan’s talking about but ultimately it doesn’t matter. He would protect Ethan with his life.

He just lets Ethan cry into his arms for a while as the intensity subsides. He tries not to think the worst but based on what Ethan’s said so far, it’s hard not to draw conclusions. It sounds like someone hurt Ethan. It sounds like Mark wasn’t there when it mattered most. It sounds like Ethan blames himself and Mark is part of the reason for that.

“Let’s get off the floor. Can we do that?” Mark offers softly. Ethan gives him a hesitant nod and lets Mark help him to his feet. Mark’s going to lead him back downstairs where maybe Amy can help him but Ethan stalls at the door.

“What if he’s still down there? He— he was there,” Ethan whispers. The fear in his voice makes Mark want to cry.

“Ethan,” Mark takes both of Ethan’s hands in his own. “I promise you, no one is down there. It’s only us and Amy home.”

“I saw him though,” Ethan mumbles but he’s sounding less and less sure of himself.

Mark looks at the ground for a second before his gaze fixes back on Ethan. “I think it was me, Ethan. I think you thought I was… him. There’s no one else here.”

Ethan stares at him and for the first time since Mark went in after him, his eyes start to clear. First there’s the budding realization, then crippling shame.

“Oh my god.” Ethan rips his hand away. His eyes dart around the room like he’s seeing it for the first time. “I— I thought…” He looks at Mark. “And I cried on you. I— oh my god, I didn’t mean for you to know.”

“But maybe I should.” Mark tries to make eye contact with him but Ethan avoids it. 

“It’s not… it’s not important anymore.”

“It’s still bothering you, though. Clearly you’re still thinking about it.”

“But it was just… I was… triggered,” he scowls like the word is bitter on his tongue. “By— He— It—” Ethan takes a moment to collect himself before he manages, words barely audible, “He looked like you.”

“What?”

“That’s why I was flirting with him,” Ethan says a little louder. “Because he looked like you.” Ethan tugs at his hair, hard enough that Mark winces. “I’m sorry, Mark. I didn’t— I didn’t want to drag you into this and it was my fault anyway, so— so I shouldn’t have even called you. You were right not to call me back.” Ethan’s teeth dig into his lip, like does when he’s trying not to cry.

Mark puts all of that other information aside. He needs to know. He’s missing the most important piece.

“What happened though, Ethan? Did he hurt you?”

“Yes. No. He— He thought I wanted it. Did I— Maybe I should have been louder. Maybe he didn’t hear me. And I was flirting so I basically— I basically gave him permission, right? And if I hadn’t been drunk, maybe I would have gone home earlier or— or I could have been clearer—”

“Ethan… did he assault you?”

Ethan’s face crumples He doesn’t answer the question. Instead he asks another.

“Why didn’t you call me back, Mark? Why didn’t you pick up? Did you… did you know? Did you see a picture or something? And— And you knew that I deserved it?”

Mark’s stomach turns. “Did he rape you?”

Ethan hunches in on himself, shrinking. “It didn’t get that far. Someone— someone found us and he stopped. So I guess it was nothing, right?”

“Of course it’s not nothing, Ethan, jesus. Listen to yourself. Just… Can you tell me exactly what happened? From start to finish.”

Ethan squeezes his eyes shut. The tears start slipping out again anyway. But he nods.

-

Ethan just wanted to have fun. He feels like he’s missed out on so many experiences. In high school, he was never that reckless. The opportunity just wasn’t really presented to him and he was a lot younger then. As terrible as high school was, he wouldn’t change most of it.

But after that, he didn’t go to college. He went straight into working and back then, he was constantly on the grind. It was working or filming or editing or sleeping, maybe seeing a friend or two every few months when they got back from school. He wanted so desperately for a chance, a shot, an opportunity, that it consumed him. It was his passion but it also became his entire life. 

It was always a tricky balance to strike. 

It was always hard to tell if it was making him happy or miserable. Probably both.

But after years of hard work, he finally feels like he’s in a good place. He has some disposable income. He’s comfortable in his home. He’s in a flow with his videos.

He’s been drinking lately on stream with his friends. It feels like what he missed out on in college, even though they’re not really together. He’s sometimes embarrassed that he enjoys drinking, particularly if it’s ever brought up in the presence of Mark. He knows Mark used to drink and that he physically can’t now, but it still feels like a bad habit that Mark kicked and Ethan didn’t. 

He tries not to worry about what Mark thinks too much though. It’s a slippery downwards slope.

Besides, he likes the feeling of being a little drunk. He likes the warmth. He likes the acrid taste and the feeling of slugging it back. He likes how much easier it feels to be with people. It makes him feel chattier but he also worries less about what people think. It’s kind of a nice change of pace.

So he thought it might be a fun time to go out to a club. The whole pre-game, loud music, dancing scene hasn’t always been his favorite but he just wanted to try it out. If he hates it, he hates it and that’s fine. But if he has a good time, well, then he’ll know. It’s a win-win in his mind.

He dragged Brian out with him. They gulped down a couple disgustingly strong shots, enough that neither of them were planning to drive there or back, and called an Uber. When they got to the club, Ethan pulled Brian into the fray with him. 

The bass was vibrating in his feet. He couldn’t hear anything except the music. Even with the elbows in his back and his shoulders bumping into the people around him, there’s something invigorating about it. Or maybe it’s just that he’s a little buzzed.

Brian yells something to him and gestures that he’s going to sit for a bit. Ethan nods and thinks about going with him, but decides to stay. He moves further into the crowd.

Then he sees Mark out of the corner of his eye.

“Mark?” 

The word is lost to the sound of the music but it’s a good thing because as Ethan turns, he realizes it’s not Mark after all. Of course it’s not. The club is the opposite of Mark’s scene. Mark would probably be laughing at Ethan for even being here in the first place.

It should have ended there but Ethan’s feeling more than a little buzzed and Brian’s not here to judge him. He doesn’t have a crush on Mark, not really, but he would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about kissing him, just once or twice. Mark is dating Amy and Ethan is happy for them. He would never ruin the love they have.

But this is harmless. No one has to know. And wouldn’t it just be fun to try?

Ethan glances off where Brian disappeared but he can’t see him. Hopefully Brian can’t see him either.

He makes his way over to the man. He tries to think of something flirty to say but quickly realizes it doesn't matter. There's no way they would hear each other unless they were screaming but luckily it doesn't matter. The guy gives Ethan a wink, Ethan probably blushes, and then they're dancing together.

After a few minutes, Ethan takes a step closer, raising an eyebrow. The guy responds by putting his hands on Ethan's hips and pulling him in. Ethan's cheeks burn hotter. 

From here, it's even more obvious how different he is from Mark. Different eyes, the color and how he looks at Ethan. Ethan's pretty sure Mark has never looked at him with this much… lust. There's something invigorating about it though. 

When the guy leans down, Ethan doesn't stop him. He doesn't really have the wherewithal right now to remember how to be a good kisser but that doesn't stop either of them. They stumble into another group as the kiss gets more intense and the man pulls away only to growl directly into Ethan's ear, "Maybe we should take this off the dance floor."

Ethan nods. The man takes his hand and leads him towards the back of the club. It’s not until they’re walking that Ethan realizes how much his head is spinning.

He… he usually doesn’t get this drunk, especially not when he’s out. It’s fine though. He’s having fun, right?

He looks backwards for Brian but he doesn’t see him anywhere.

Mark ( _Mark? No, wait, that’s not right_ ) pushes into the bathroom and tugs him inside. Ethan lets himself be pressed against the door, definitely blocking off anyone else who might need to get in. He’s not really worrying about that right now though.

The guy kisses him again and Ethan wonders if this is what it would be like to kiss Mark. He thinks about Mark’s scratchy beard rubbing on his skin like this. He probably wouldn’t taste like vodka and cranberry. He wonders if Mark would be so aggressive.

Maybe he just misses Mark.

Ethan pulls away, breathing hard. He laughs against the guy’s lips. What is he even doing? He doesn’t even know this guy. He just thought he looked like Mark out of the corner of his eye and now he’s here.

“Alright, dude, it’s— it’s been fun but—” Ethan pushes lightly against his shoulder, still smiling. “I think I gotta find my friend.”

“Come on, don’t go. We’re having a good time.” The guy presses a bite into Ethan’s neck and honestly, it’s kind of hot. Maybe he does want to stay. His whole body feels warm and buzzy.

Then the guy grinds up into him.

Ethan goes stiff, flinching away and banging into the door. “Sorry, sorry,” Ethan mutters. It’s suddenly too much. He doesn’t want to do something he’ll regret in the morning. He doesn’t even know this guy’s name. “I just… I’m not looking for that. I bet my friend’s looking for me honestly—”

Ethan tries to move away before he realizes that the guy’s arms are bracketing him in on both sides. “Hey, you came up to me,” the guy says. It’s kind of hard for Ethan to focus but he thinks he hears anger in the words. “I know you’re into it.”

“Sorry, I just can’t.” Ethan stares at the floor. The tiles swim in front of him.

The guys sneers, “Oh, so you’re one of those straight boys who just wanted to try it out? Just wanted to see what it’s like on the other side?”

“What? No!” Ethan’s head jerks up. His stomach turns and he can’t tell if it’s the alcohol or the guilt of knowing that maybe it’s a little true.

“Prove it then.”

Ethan doesn’t even have time to react before there’s a hand unbuckling his belt.

Ethan grabs for the guy’s wrist but misses. “Stop, I don’t—” He whimpers and oh god, he’s so out of it maybe he won’t remember this in the morning maybe he can just pretend this is Mark and he feels fingers start to slip beneath the band of his underwear—

Someone bangs on the bathroom door and it jolts both of them. The guy staggers back as another person pushes in, heading for the stalls.

They lock eyes for one second, just one, and then Ethan’s gone.

He runs from the room, one hand pulling his belt tighter and the other fumbling with his phone. He tries to call Brian. No answer. He can’t fucking see Brian anywhere, fuck _fuck_ —

Where is he, where can he go—

Ethan ends up in a corner. He can’t see Brian. He can’t see the bathroom. He can’t see where the guy went.

What just happened, did— was he— was he almost—

He just wants to hide. He wants to forget this ever happened. He wants to leave. He wants— he wants—

He didn’t want that.

He tries to call Brian but it goes straight to voicemail. He remembers Brian saying that his phone was close to dead. His hand shakes as he calls Mark instead.

His teeth dig into his lip to hold back a sob he hears the dial tone. He probably just missed Mark. He’ll call Ethan back. He has to.

Ethan leaves a voicemail.

“Mark, something—” something happened, something almost happened, can he even say what happened? “Mark, if you’re awake, please—” Ethan sobs into his phone, nails digging into his palm. Mark can help him. Mark will call him back. He has to. “I— He—” He can’t say it. Not over the phone. Not to an empty voicemail box where Mark can listen to it over and over while Ethan pleads for his help. “I have to go,” Ethan breaths. He hangs up.

He tries to wipe off his face but he gives up after a couple of seconds. Maybe it won’t matter in the low lighting of the club. He just has to find Brian. He has to get out of here. He just wants to be home now with people he trusts, where he’s safe, where no one will push him against a bathroom door and—

He can’t think about it yet.

He calls Mark two more times before he finds Brian. Mark doesn’t answer either time. Ethan knows it’s irrational but it feels personal. Like Mark is ignoring him because he knows that Ethan made bad choices, that Ethan went up to the guy because he looked like Mark, that Ethan didn’t do anything to stop him until the very last second.

Mark will call him tomorrow, Ethan tells himself. He’s probably just asleep. He cares about Ethan. He wouldn’t just leave him if he knew Ethan was in trouble. They can talk and Mark can reassure him that maybe this wasn’t his fault unless it was and Ethan should have stayed, should have followed through, shouldn’t have been drunk in the first place. 

Ethan puts his hand on Brian’s shoulder, getting his attention and saying, “We have to go.” Brian takes one look at his face and nods. 

As they wait for a car, Ethan can see Brian glancing over at him like he wants to ask what happened but Ethan just can’t manage to get the words out. He’s in his head about it now. Maybe it’s his fault. He made the guy think he wanted it. He followed him into the bathroom, didn’t he? Neither of them answered his calls. Maybe it was for a reason.

If Mark calls him back, then he’ll know. Mark wouldn’t just lie to him about it. Mark would just tell him to his face if he fucked up. Then Ethan will figure it out from there.

He’ll figure it out when Mark calls him back.

Until then, he just won’t think about it.

-

“And I didn’t call you back,” Mark breathes. The horror of it sets into him. Ethan had been waiting for his response to reassure him that his own _assault_ wasn’t his fault and Mark left him there alone. Really alone as quarantine swept in not long after that.

“No, you didn’t call me back. I… I stopped drinking though. So, um, so it won’t happen again.”

“Ethan.” Mark’s voice is low and raspy, throat thick as he suppresses the urge to scream about how unfair the world is, how much Ethan didn’t deserve what happened. Ethan seems to take it another way though.

“Don’t, don’t,” Ethan pleads. “I know I shouldn’t have— I should have made better choices. Please don’t give me advice right now. I know I fucked up. And I just— I thought I could handle it.”

“It’s not your fault,” Mark finally says. He should have been saying it this whole time. It feels like it’s getting hard to breathe. The words come out stifled. 

Ethan sniffles, weak and vulnerable. “Why didn’t you call me then?”

“I should have called you. I didn’t know, I thought you had a hangover and you wouldn’t want me to bother you—”

“I called you three times. You didn’t think I wanted to talk to you?” Ethan doesn’t sound angry. He just sounds tired. Worn down.

“It was my mistake, Ethan. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. But it wasn’t your fault. Nothing that happened was your fault,” Mark pleads with Ethan to believe him.

Ethan scoffs, almost at himself, and looks away. “I don’t know what I’m going to do once Unus Annus ends,” he mutters.

“W-what?”

“And I don’t have a reason to see you anymore. The world’s so different now. If we don’t have an excuse to see each other, will you really want to hang out with me? And after this?” The words are so much more vicious than anything Mark has heard from Ethan’s mouth, all the anger directed at himself.

Mark’s heart breaks. “Ethan, I’m always going to want you in my life. Don’t talk like that, please. Of course we’ll still see each other.”

“Mark, I— I—” Ethan buries his face in his hands. “I’m so _scared._ Of losing you. Of meeting people now. Of getting sick. I just— I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“I can hold you together,” Mark begs. He pulls Ethan into his arms and Ethan sags against him, letting out a single sob into his chest. “Let me be here for you.”

He hears Ethan take a few deep breaths before he agrees almost silently, “Okay. Okay, Mark.”

-

They see each other every day after that, even on days they’re not filming. Mark finally convinces Ethan to tell Amy what happened and it’s hard but they’re both there for him. Mark makes an effort to reach out and Ethan always responds, always says yes, and maybe Mark should have realized sooner that this is something Ethan needs. He needs people.

Convincing Ethan that the assault wasn’t his fault takes longer. It’s hard for all of them. Mark is still trying to earn back Ethan’s trust. Sometimes Ethan needs to be with Amy because Mark reminds him too much of that night and that hurts. A few days ago, he saw Ethan read a comment asking about his drinking habits and almost run from the room again. But progress is progress, no matter how slow or painful.

They fall into each other’s lives so easily. It feels like Ethan belongs with them.

When Ethan stays over for the third night in a row and it feels like he should always be there, Mark knows he has to bring it up with Amy.

-

It’s early in the morning. Ethan’s still asleep in the guest bedroom but Amy’s made it downstairs and Mark is almost done with his cup of tea.

Mark watches her make breakfast. He knows he loves her. If she says no, then he’ll accept that. But he trusts her enough to at least give her the chance to answer him. So he asks, “What if he stayed?”

Amy pauses, eyes staying on the toast she’s buttering. Then she starts again. Mark hears the knife scratching against the bread. “Ethan?” she clarifies. 

“Yeah,” Mark croaks, nerves getting the better of his voice.

She looks up at him. “You mean as more than just a friend,” she states. Mark nods wordlessly. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

“What do you mean?”

Amy leans back against the counter, crossing her arms. Mark suppresses the desire to squirm under her gaze. “I’ll always love you, Mark. And I know Ethan is coming into our lives. He just… fits.” Mark nods again but he can hear the worry in Amy’s voice. “I’m not questioning if we love him or if you love him. I’m just asking if you’re ready for what that’s going to mean. It can’t be something that only happens behind closed doors. We can’t ask Ethan to keep another secret.”

“I want to do it.”

“And you’re ready for all the questions? About your sexuality, and how we’re making it work, and why you’ve been saying you’re straight for years? Sean might even be brought into it. I just want to make sure you’re prepared.”

“Are you?” Mark flips the question back on her. He’d never admit it but maybe he’s scared of answering. She just gives him a soft, sad look.

“I’m not the one they’re going to be asking, Mark. You know that.”

Mark looks down. “I know.”

He thinks about it for a while. Long enough that his tea has gone cold and Amy has finished her breakfast and Ethan’s come downstairs and wandered back home to get a change of clothes for when he inevitably ends up with them again tomorrow.

Right before Ethan walks inside, finally back from his trip home, Mark takes Amy’s hand, squeezing it as he looks her in the eye. “It will be worth it,” he says. She smiles and kisses him on the cheek.

Mark opens the door for Ethan before he knocks and Ethan gazes up at him, a bit confused but expression still open and hopeful.

“There’s something we want to ask you,” Mark says as he guides him into their home.

-

It’s complicated at first. There are tears. There are questions. Disbelief. There’s still a lot of recovering that Ethan has to do. Mark still has to come to terms with accepting this part of himself. All three of them have to figure out how to navigate each other, together.

But Mark was right. It’s all worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end is really getting close now, isn't it? Probably one more fic in this fandom for me and then, well, I guess all things have to end


	2. Chapter 2

00:00:00:00


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